Table of Contents.

Table of Contents There’s a sad sort of clanging from the clock in the hall. You won’t be able to change his mind, anyway. Bianca’s in town for a reason. She wore an… Itsy bitsy teeny weeny… What about me? Big baby! You’re just like my husband. You’re only. You’re only seventeen. An absurd little bird.

"There's a sad sort of clanging from the clock in the hall."

While I was brainstorming the first line to shock and awe you readers, I came up blank. No seas of ideas swimming around in my brain. No attention grabbing quotes. No nothing. Just a blank Microsoft Word Document, acoustic folk music in my ears, and heavy eyelids. I was aloof in my own thinking, pondering the question that I usually write about for pleasure. On the brink of insanity my broodings were disrupted by the smell of coffee, which I am in desperate need of, and I was kindly reminded of the turning point in this quarter. Everett community college does not enroll my brain to force productivity; I enroll because I want to better myself.

It was a conversation at the Everett bus station, with my holiday season peppermint mocha, and favorite baristas in the city, that caused this reflection letter intro. Marissa said to me, “I just don’t care for Running Start students. They’re there to do the minimum and pass without any effort to actually learn something.” And to this I shook my head in agreement. She continued on with “I go to school because I want to better myself. I want to know more so I can be a better advocate of change.” It wasn’t until I was walking home from my stop that I did a harsh self evaluation. I thought to myself, “Are you really any different?”

What makes me so different from those just trying to survive their senior year? If I only worry about bettering myself, why do I break in to panic attacks with the number of assignments added daily to my “to do” list? If I’m becoming a better addition to the human race, why do I feel like I’m disappointing everyone around me including myself?

This class has been trialing for me in many surprising aspects. Writing is very much what I love. Blogs, letters, lyrics, poems, blogs you name it I’ll write it. I’ll admit I love a good argument and a good persuasive essay but… What was that? No persuasive essays? You want me to compare and contrast? Arguable thesis? No voice?!

Let’s just say that it isn’t easy to weed out my voice. I am very much used to my style, my spin, my opinions and using them to create a paper that I am satisfied with. With consent and encouragement from my teachers growing up, a perfect score on my WASL testing, and an enthused mother at my side, my voice was to be explored and used in everything and everywhere. That was until, thankfully and respectfully, this English course.

Hello, my name is Hillary Fretland. I am seventeen years old. I am what you call a social bunny rabbit. I make plans weeks in advance and volunteer at a church that I love. I enjoy a good book and strong cup of coffee. I am currently being broken of my persuasive and opinionated vocal papers. I am a running start student who got a slow start on what school really means. School is not against me, school does not wish to put me in the fetal position, and school does not want me to lose sleep. That it is in fact possible, to be for school in the mindset of this is for me as a person. Not a requirement, not hassle, but as a gateway to a beautiful take on life.

Conveniently enough this English course offered three takes on life; community, identity, and tradition. Each section created doors and doors of opportunities for me to open. Each door allowed limitless ways to see the world around me and how it applied to my life. Each door was personal.

Community challenged me to evaluate who I am and how I think of myself as well as those around me. I had to explore the possibilities and measure of what it looks like to be an insider or an outsider. This section also introduced me to a movie that I am very much in love with so I owe a lot of thanks to the community folder.

Identity searched inside my past and posed many questions about how and why people act as they do. I had to hold strong to my faith in people and their free will to act as they will but also accommodate the very different lives that people are exposed to and how that may affect their character.

Tradition proved to be an issue that I could not compose into a black and white conclusion. Do we encourage the pursuit of reforming and renewing our culture or do we protect and re-establish the traditions that provide a balance in our world? Both arguments pulled at my values and challenged me to take a stance on a tradition that is struggling to survive.

My biggest struggle this year with my writing is that I have had little to no experience with prompts that excluded my voice and opinion as a writer. I struggled right up to the very end in fact. Throughout my essays I found myself focusing too hard on certain criteria to the point of losing sight of another. I also tend to get a little personal with my subjects to the point of losing the overall purpose behind the paper. I’m not a perfect writer and I don’t think I’ll ever be truly content with the works that I present in my life, whether they are for pleasure or for college. All I know is that throughout this course I have been offered many different chances to learn; and that’s exactly what I’m doing.

The pieces I have chosen for my final representation of this quarter come from the discussion posts, blogs, and papers throughout each section.
• The critical analysis piece is a collection of posts and responses in the community unit. One of the movie selections for this unit was “Lars and the Real Girl” which was a great example of the life of the “insiders” and “outsiders” inside a community as well as a great example of a great movie!
• The piece that I am using for my revision portion of the portfolio is my final essay for the tradition unit. I chose to make a case for the tradition of modesty and how many forms of media are challenging it to become a tradition of the past. My revision will be on this essay because I focused too strongly on the forms of media and not enough on the case of-the-actual-tradition. Oops. Like I said, I get strangely passionate when I should be flexible.
• The piece that illustrates my awareness of audience and voice is also from the “Lars and the Real Girl” discussion in the community unit. This movie stirred up a lot of different questions in me that I posted for the group to discuss on. Gosh, such a great, stimulating movie.
• A piece that I think represents this course in all its doors is a collection postings and responses from the Identity unit. This unit really got me thinking about the human journey and how people from such different communities can show similar beliefs, traits, values, even habits. But ultimately this particular group of posts really pushed my boundaries to try and understand how a person’s personality can be altered by the effects of past experiences.

I hope that I come across more classes like this in my schooling. I like to be probed, presented ideas, and pushed. I don’t however like to be told to take my voice out of my papers, which is yet another reason to be thankful for the class that did. I hope you can enjoy what I found oddly difficult. Keep in mind that I am, in fact, a running start student. Who, up until the point of writing this was only attending school to get out of school. You should also keep in mind that school is for you, not against you. That it isn’t the end of the world until Jesus comes back.

;)

Thank you and enjoy!

"You won't be able to change his mind, anyway."

For my critical analysis piece I chose a total of three posts titled “Are you an insider.” My “movie talk” group and I were discussing different aspects of the movie “Lars and the Real Girl.” The movie was centered on the message of a loving community. My interpretation from the movie was that Lars, the main character, was afraid of letting people get close enough to hurt him. Although the community around him tried to accommodate his stand-offish personality, Lars didn’t open up until the delusion of his girlfriend Bianca arrived. Bianca, being a life sized doll, allowed Lars to have a companion that had no emotions and therefore an easier relationship. Bianca eventually allows everyone in the town to let their own fears fall away but it isn’t until the end of the movie that Lars let’s go of her altogether. This movie created many questions about insiders vs. outsiders in the community hence, my first post.

My original post shows how I blended the lives of the characters and my own relation to the characters. “I felt like an outsider in the movie.” The movie, being almost too awkward to bear, opened my eyes to see how much of an outsider I felt like just watching it! So I turned the conversation upon myself and my community. Lars was afraid of getting close to people, and here I was watching deep and powerful moments in someone’s life with no background.

The response I got from Romona Liberty caused me to analyze the ending of the movie in relation to the acceptance. The movie was hard to pick apart because there was so much emotion involved but I eventually came to the conclusion that Lars was the one who actually had to accept the community. She stated that “this movie is more about the acceptance of people that our social groups deem "different," and I would have to say that although Lars is painfully socially distant, he is the one who has to allow his community into his life.

This movie gave me a great chance to analyze and pick apart all the different pains in life and its effects on communities. I am not speaking for all communities when I say that it’s socially unstable residents are the ones who need to be more accepting, but when it comes to “Lars and the Real Girl,” I would. Please go watch this movie. It’s wonderful, quirky, and full of truth.

The bolded areas are the parts where I feel I analyzed and synthesized.

"Bianca's in town for a reason."

Myself: I felt like an outsider in the movie. I guess you could feel that way in every movie, book, or song but this was so much more apparent. Like here I was intruding into this guys home not knowing any of his past until three quarters into the movie!

What was your experience with the film? I think it's easy to feel like a townsperson but even being in the community is too involved for me. I feel like I don't belong. Maybe it's because I'm not used to the feeling of such a small town, and I couldn't imagine the town of Snohomish/Everett doing the same for me.

Gosh, I loved this movie. Definitely top 5.

Romona Liberty: I am beginning to feel like this movie is more about the acceptance of people that our social groups deem "different". I think the community uses Bianca as a tool to become more accepting and welcoming to Lars. In the end, Lars is still "different" yet the community is accepting of him. Do you think that in the end Lars accepts the community or that the community accepts Lars?

Myself: Great post!

I actually believe Lars accepted the town. Maybe I interpreted this wrong but I felt as if the town was always pretty accepting of Lars, and then Lars got Bianca. Which then turned into more of the town accepting Bianca. I don't think it was ever a question of whether the town was accepting, I think Lars had to get over his fear of people, and Bianca helped him.

"She wore an..."

For my Revision piece I chose my final paper from the tradition unit. This paper was especially challenging to me because of my less than satisfactory attempts with the earlier papers. I desperately wanted to create a good argument for this paper against the media for the sake of the tradition of modesty, and that’s right about where I went wrong. The object of the paper was to show how the media was challenging the tradition of my choice, not to accuse and reprimand the media for trying to rob the country of our innocence and youth. Again, oops. I think in the future I won’t choose topics so close to my temper levels because when I do, I tend to branch off into a whirlwind of emotions and yet again, more opinions.

When I got this paper back I was already nervous to see what I had received. Much to my surprise it got the lowest grade of all-my-papers. It was then that I called my mother upstairs and cried to her about how I’m not going to amount to anything in life. After I stopped being a hysterical mess I sat down and started to rewrite.

I chose a couple sections from the original and revised essay to show how I took the necessary steps of revision. My voice in this paper is undeniably present and very much accusing. I regretfully snuck a rhetorical question in there. Did you know I love those? And throughout the paper I focused too harshly on the negative effects on society instead of the medias attempts to challenge the media. In other words:

Actual paper prompt: “Develop a 3-4 page paper that analyzes how a specific cultural tradition has been challenged, altered, or undermined, therefore having some impact on society as a whole.”

Hillarys prompt: Tell the world how the media is evil and should be shut out of our youth in order for them to lead lives without pain, drugs, or divorce while also throwing in there that the tradition of modesty used to be important.

Okay so I really shouldn’t write about things too closely related to rants or topics that can turn into rants or rather topics that revolve around the evil media. Unless it is for my enjoyment of course…

"Itsy bitsy teeny weeny..."

Here is the intro to my paper and the first supporting paragraph. The original will be italicized.

What was once a long- sleeved suit is now an “itsy, bitsy, teeny, weenie, yellow, polka dot bikini.” Promiscuity used to offer a life of shame and now it offers a phone call, or even a raise. The media, in an attempt to sell their products for a “better life,” have also sold the ideals that modesty is out and free will is in. With the TV echoing self- service, and the stereo blaring words of sex, money and power, the tradition of the search for oneself becomes more disillusioned and selfish. Pop culture is threatening the tradition of modesty in speech and apparel to ensure productivity. The dissolving traditions of modesty have in turn pulled this young generation into a downward spiral of addiction, impulsive behavior, and ultimately despair.

Modesty in speech was once a valued trait to beheld in society and has since been made exactly that, a quality of the past. In other words, self service is the new selfless. Modesty in speech is humble, conscious of its surrounding, and reserved. But with the power and resources of the media, the word “I” is now not only satisfying but it looks satisfying to the audience. “iTunes, iPod, iHome,”, these kinds of advertisements are not only selling their product, but they are also promoting the attitude of iWant and iWantMore. The goal is no longer appreciative and humble but instant satisfaction.

What was once a long-sleeved suit is now an “itsy, bitsy, teeny, weenie, yellow, polka dot bikini.” Promiscuity used to offer a life of shame and now it offers a phone call, or even a raise. Many clothing companies, in an attempt to sell their products for a “more exciting life”, use the media to sell their ideals that “modesty is out and self expression is in”. With the TV echoing “self service” and the stereo blaring words of “sex, money and power,” one’s traditions or culture becomes more disillusioned. One cannot underestimate the power that films, music and popular fashion guides are threatening the tradition of modesty in speech and apparel.

Modesty in speech was once a valued trait to behold in society and has since been made exactly that, a quality of the past. Modesty in speech means being conscious of one’s surroundings and being humble. In old fashioned speech, words like “sex” and “awful” were discouraged in common conversation. Phrases like “shut up” and “oh my God” were never neither spoken in homes nor on the television. But like many practices of the past, modest speech has evolved into a less limiting freedom of speech.

This is the outro to my paper. The original will be italicized.

The switch view of the media’s messages could be explained as encouraging. The freedom of expression is liberating for many who feel trapped by the expectations set by society, friends and family. It is social service in the sense that it is also showing the freedom behind living life as freely as it comes. But when the only benefits of living life selfishly are regrets, pain, and suffering, one should wonder if this is a tradition that has slipped too far into the past. Modesty in speech and apparel is being challenged by the films, shows, music, and advertisements of this generation. Since the increase of sexual and egocentric messages, the world has seen the increase of broken homes, broken self- esteem, and suicide. Profit over people is inevitable in the business world, and now it is becoming true in everyone. Modesty is a tradition we need.

The ‘switch view’ of the media’s messages might also be explained as encouraging. The freedom of expression is liberating for many who feel trapped by the expectations set by society, culture and family traditions. It is social service in the sense that it is also showing the freedom behind living life as freely as it comes. However, linked with the decrease in modesty, is a gross increase of dissatisfaction, drug and alcohol abuse, domestic violence and ever increasing divorce rates.

Modesty in speech and apparel is being challenged by the films, shows, music, and advertisements of this generation. Pop culture is progressing it’s release of lyrics that promote impulsive sexual behavior, videos that promote revealing clothing, and advertisements selling false “improvements for life.” These images of a conceited lifestyle are deliberately going against the tradition and values of modesty. Modesty doesn’t have to be a practice of the past; it is a tradition worth preserving.

"What about me?"

My writing choice that illustrates my awareness of audience and voice is a series of posting from the movie discussions for “Lars and the Real Girl” titled “Unconditional.” The film was hard to watch emotionally for me because I relate to Lars in the sense that he is afraid of letting people get close to him for fear of them leaving him behind. Lars is so disconnected from people emotionally that while watching the film, I noticed that the only affection he shows is directed towards inanimate objects. Most obvious is his “girlfriend” Bianca, a life sized doll, who he creates a strong connection with that clearly can not love him back. Lars also has a strong connection to a blanket his deceased mother wrapped him in since he was an infant. This blanket can also clearly not love Lars in return. Although Lars shows intense fear for gaining closeness with his community, we clearly see that his ability to love is not in question.

These images of unconditional love in the film sparked my postings. My first post shows my awareness of audience and voice because I’m speaking directly to my other movie discussion people, I frame the concept of unconditional love through the examples in the movie and then I encourage conversation with a question.

The bolded parts are where I feel I expressed awareness of audience and voice.

"Big baby! You're just like my husband."

Kristin Loyola got me thinking about the security of the blanket and Bianca. But then I thought, both of the objects that Lars kept so close to his heart were incapable of love. He simply loved without expectance.

In the special features there was an instant where someone revealed their favorite aspect of the movie. Something about love being a gift and not something that has to be two sided. I mean ideally, we'd love to be loved by the one we love. But to discover real true love, there is a connection between people that can't be altered.

Someone who says no matter what you do, whether you love me back, or whether you don't, I will love you.

I guess this is more of a thought provoking post. Is love conditional for you?

"You're only..."

(Sigh) writers choice. This piece took me the longest to select. My overall goal for this piece was to represent all that I had learned in this class, and since I struggled with this class all the way through, I found it funny that I would choose a piece from the middle. I chose my writers choice piece from the identity unit under “How did we manage to survive adolescence?”

I chose this post because I found an underlying message that applies to me when I was re reading over my works. It’s a message of growth and how you take the things that life throws at you. In my posting I refer to two writers with very different approaches to their life in high school; I find both approaches poor and unworthy of consideration. Both have failed to recognize their time in high school as a learning experience and have either gained enough false pride to put them above it or are still living with it. Being in high school, this was an interesting approach even for myself.

Throughout this quarter I have felt inferior, above, and subject to my high school and its expectations of myself. I have lost hours of sleep over my demands as student, friend, leader, employee, and family member. And when I read over this post in hopes that it might make a good writers choice I had to laugh at the one message I failed to address.

High school ends.

The growth in my writing is directly related to my growth as a person. I spoke in my reflection letter about how up until this class I felt that school was against me. And it’s for that very reason I chose this post. In it I shared my remedy for the fears that I face in my life, it is only a wonder why I didn’t use it when it came to the very class I posted it in. This piece shows the reality of my self conscious, and how when I least expect it I can verbally shame myself.

The bolded parts are where I feel I verbally shamed myself.

"You're only seventeen."

The world of high school.

White and Grealy reflect and revisit the trivital years that sadly can make or break a person. White very bravely enters the world of teenagers, except I don't exactly want her to be rewarded for her discoveries. Grealy looks back on a world very unkind to her. There was a certain passive approach to her writing, like she was holding back. That even still, she harbors emotions she never allowed herself to feal or even fear. Both define the social classes. The upper class: "The kind of kids who get their way because they have perfect hair, perfect teeth, et cetera." The lower class: The ones who get called "The uglist girl [they] have ever seen." And the middle class: The ones unafraid to cross the barriers. Who float and prove that "webs can be formed even if they are fragile and fleeting."

All good points, all over exercised, and known all too well. I want a different approach. White chose to look over teenagers in her wisdom, I missed the part where she used to sit. That one day she grew up and that these classes became less and less acknowledged. So while White looks over a class with pity, Grealy still hasn't let high school go. I don't exactly see people as groups, or clicks, or classes. When people ask me to describe someone I use hair color, style of clothing, smile, eyes... Never crosses my mind to result to stoner, prep, goth, loser, geek, smelly. I feel like that when reflecting on high school, it has to be done with love.

Writers that do the very thing that they accuse their subject of creating do nothing but recreate and reuse the same hurtful material.

I walk the halls of Snohomish High and everyday I see the same teenagers. The same people looking and searching and not being satisfied. I don't see any stoners, preps, or "fly swatters." I just see people. People who all feel pain, longing, anger, frustration, joy, heartache, sorrow, jealousy, and disappointment. "If there was a more important pain in the world, it meant my own was negated." There is no truth in that lifestyle, and there is no more truth in it's opposite. There is no measure of pain when it comes to the hurt of this world because we only have one heart, and one measure, and we only feel the pain we feel. I don't try to make my pain irrelevant, nor do I wish to advertise it. I feel, I pray to God that it leaves me, I pray that I can let it go and hold on to the hope that is mine to claim, I heal, I share my triumphs, and I help someone else triumph.

That is a true statement of highschool fourty years ago and today. Love triumphs.

An absurd little bird is popping out to say coo-coo.

Thank you for a challenging, stressful, and rewarding quarter. Thank you Andrea and Lolly for your honesty and overall dedication to so many students! What a trial and honor it must be to be a teacher. Thank you classmates for your encouragement and wisdom. Truly an amazing community of people.

Farewell and have a blessed life. Happy holidays and sleep easy :)

So without further adu...

Adu, adu, to you and you and you.